Heart of Christmas

What do you do to keep your Heart in Christmas?
Here's a link to my recent post about what I do and some of my struggles :)
Hope your Wednesday is coming along great!!!!


Heart of Christmas

Happiness in What We Have

Hey there I added a new post to the blog!!!!

Happiness in What We Have

Let me know when you stop by so I can get to know you!

New posts added to my BLOG

Hi there lots of new posts have been added to my blog.  Come take a look.
When you stop by lmk so I can get to know you better.
Heartbeats Soul Stains

Freedom of choice and speech

In Hawaii there is a big battle going on right now over same-sex marriage.  I think it is fine for both sides to intelligently put their point of view out there.  That's what the United States stands by is freedom of speech.  We are all suppose to be equal, no matter what.

It seems to me we have become a society that no longer allows people to speak what they feel without things becoming nasty and filled with hate.  I have had to change my radio station because of the hate talk and the ignorance being spoken.  I don't want to drive my kids to school and here "idiot" and "retard" the whole way.

I am a Christian!  I do not believe it is my place to say who can be married and who can't.  I can only control what I do (and that's job in and of its self).  I hear other christian's points of views and I respect them for it.  If hate and anger were taken out, I believe both sides could resolve this.

What really opened my eyes to why all couples need some sort of legal footing, was a story I read on CNN.  It was about a same-sex couple that were together for quite a while.  One of the men fell in an accident at work, he was immediately rushed to the hospital.  When his partner arrived to see him at the hospital he was close to death.  This was the time for this couple that loved each other just as much as I love my husband to say their final words.  They were robbed of this.  The parents; being next of kin because this couple could never legally obtain rights, did not allow the couple to see each other.  The man was barred from his partners room.  He never got to say goodbye, they never got to have that final touch.  A man died without the comfort from the one he loved.  Don't we all as human beings have the right to love who we want?  I have lost many people of recent years and never got to say goodbye, have that final touch of the skin.  It hurts to know this couple could have had that, and they were deprived of it.  The man in the story died, his partner was not even allowed to attend his services.  A tragic accident was made even worse.  The story of this couple hurt my soul.

My grandfather was a pastor, I can remember him over and over preaching how we are not to judge others.  I can't judge who anyone loves, just like I wouldn't want someone judging who I love or whom I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with.  If a church doesn't want to marry a couple they should have that right, certain churches already refuse marriage of couples based on religious beliefs and if they have attended certain classes etc.  How would this be any different?

I have seen hate from both sides and it's sad.  The Christians as well as the same-sex couples I know are filled with love and compassion and would not speak the hatred I have heard.  Hate and anger can be so over powering that you begin to only see the negative in these people.  We are forgetting what this is about, equality for all and freedom of speech for all.

November challenge:

I am grateful for my church family that always taught love.  I have been blessed to have been surrounded by many loving people throughout my life.

1 Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Follow my blog Heartbeats Soul Stains

Laundry, Laundry, Laundry.....

I had planned today to not only get tons of laundry washed but to actually get all the clothes that have been washed folded/hung up and put away (in the proper locations).

FAIL!!!! I failed at not only washing clothes but got none folded nor put away.  Why can't I get this done?  It's so overwhelming.  With a family our size I have to do 3-4 loads a day (sometimes more) to keep up and have no dirty clothes.  It's just not happening.  I thought being a stay at home mom I would have this mastered.  Nope.... The more I plan to get done around the house the less I get done.  Hmmmmm maybe that's what I need to do; relax, take some deep breaths and be a little easy on myself.  I can't be the only mom out there with mounds of laundry that seems to never go away!  Am I?

One of my goals in writing a blog was so that I could give a glimpse of my stress, conflicts and strains.  I want to share with others when I have great successes, and those times when I fall flat on my face. No ones life is perfect, we all face ups and downs, they just look differently.  Often times in social networking or in groups of friends you only see the rosie side of things.  Many want to keep their struggles and burdens to themselves.  I think it helps when you see someone else has that same thing or something similar in their life.

One of the many hills I'm trying to get over is housework, especially laundry.  I was gonna take a picture of my laundry mound (pile would be an understatement) but I didn't want to scare anyone ;).

I plan to say something I'm grateful for every time I write during the month of November.  Today on this first day of November I am grateful for my sweet husband for having patience with me.  I know I'm always running around in chaos with a million things going on and a billion things going on in my head and through it all he is extremely patient.

Follow my blog Heartbeats Soul Stains

Until next time....

Debbie

Happy Halloween!

As I sit here in my very quiet house, which is rare.... I am reflecting on the day I've had and the day we've had as a family.

It was a hugely busy day, getting everyone where they needed to be and YES I went to therapy today.  We aren't a family big on buying expensive costumes, we kinda just throw things together and everyone seems quite happy.  We eat dinner, the kids do a little trick-or-treating and for the past couple years they have been walking to the end of our street and going to the church for a Harvest festival.  Lots of games, treats and fun food.  I grew up attending Kahului Baptist Church, every year we would have our Harvest party; so much fun so many great memories.  My kids always attended this event at KBC until we moved from the island of Maui to the island of Oahu.  I'm glad in small ways they can still experience similar things to my childhood.

My sweet husband had to work late and didn't make it home in time to see the cute little trick-or-treaters stop by the house or to see our littlest one so excited to dress up and carry her pumpkin around.  It's such a humbling thought how much he does for us and how much he sacrifices for our happiness.  I'm so blessed to have this opportunity to be with the kids on a daily basis and be able to get them where they need to be (we are so busy with so many different activities).  His hard work is also blessing me with the gift of actually having the time to be able to come to grips and face the things I have been through.

Halloween came and went very peacefully in our home this year.  I'm sitting here in the quiet feeling blessed for all I have.  What a wonderful way to welcome November with a attitude of gratitude.

Follow my blog Heartbeats Soul Stains

I got up this morning, that's always a good thing.  First thing everyday on my to do list:  Get up!

I knew in the back of my head I had something I had to do, go to therapy.  I had "missed", "avoided" and just plain "flaked out" on it all of last week.  I forced myself to not think about it, I just did what I know I had to do.  My thoughts are; the least I can do is go and tell my therapist I was no longer able to attend.  The pain and agony of these appointments are too much for me.  I know she, like any good professional, would tell me it takes hard work and it will get worse before it gets better.  I head out the door half-hearted.

As part of my PTSD therapy I have significant homework assignments.  Not the usual write about it, journal or be good to myself kind of stuff.  I have homework that rocks me to my core.  As I read these assignments I cry in pain because I know I am being told to confront the very things I have avoided for several years.  The night of October 19th, the night that took 2 of the most important people in my life, the night that stole what little bit of sanity my children and I had left.  The most horrific night of my life, sounds I can't go a day or sometimes hours without hearing explode in my head.  The night my parents were murdered.

I went to my appointment today!  Yes, that is improvement from last week.  Did I do everything needed for this appointment, NO!  Half the battle won!

Why is this so hard?  Why is it still so hard to even believe it's even happened?  It's been several years.  It sometimes feels as if it just happened or is happening at the very moment all over again.  The only time I have peace is when I forget, when I pretend, when I avoid.

As I park my car, I want to scream "Why am I here? Why have these things happened? I shouldn't have to come here!"  I keep my face straight as always, doing what I do best; I walk in to the building.  The receptionist asks me how I'm doing.  Without even blinking I look at her with a smile and I say "I'm great.  How are you".

I accomplished a lot today.  I went where I didn't want to go, but exactly where I needed to be.  I tell my kids all the time, It's the things you don't want to do or say you can't do that are the most important things to conquer.  Took a bit of my own babble and made it through.

Follow my blog Heartbeats Soul Stains

Debbie Tom

As Sunday comes to an end, I sit here worried about facing my therapy tomorrow.  I hate walking out of the appointment with my heart heavy, a huge load on my shoulders and this thumping headache.  I am telling myself I will go, I know my husband and family want me to face these demons.  If anything, I will try to conquer these little hills for them, at first.  That way I'm getting in there, I'm doing the next right things and eventually I will be going for me.  I know that's the theory of the fake it 'til you make it.  You get in there do what you need to do regardless of how you feel about it and then eventually you're doing it for yourself and all the right reasons.

My son Derek (#5 child) got hurt Friday at school.  He hit his head while running, he came home dizzy and vomiting.  I immediately rushed him the to emergency room.  As a nurse, I know he will be okay because I'm acting fast, if he does have any sort of bleed to his brain they can minimize the damage.  The mother in me, the woman who has been through so much horrific sudden deaths was driving scared to death my son was going to have long-term effects or worse die.  This is not reasonable to keep having this humongous fear that anyone I know can die suddenly.  I live with this constantly.  I see an ambulance going on a road a mile from my kid's school, I call the school to make sure my children are safe.  If don't get a fast reply text from my husband I panic and worry something catastrophic has happened.  I know I need to come to grips with my fears and have faith again and surrender all my doubts.  This will come with time, my first next step must be to follow through with my therapy.

My son was diagnosed with a moderate concussion.  He's doing okay and already wanting to play outside.  Next 2 weeks will consist of trying to keep an active 10-year-old in the house and allow no physical activities...... yikes!

Wish me luck that I will walk through my therapists door tomorrow!

Follow my blog Heartbeats Soul Stains

Avoidance!

Anyone that knows me thinks I'm pretty happy-go-lucky, just another busy mom.  Those that truly know me; which is just a few people, realize I use avoidance to cope and get through everyday things.  

Case in point, today I was supposed to go to therapy.  Yes, I'm in therapy for the events I have yet to share on this blog.  I didn't go, didn't call, just didn't show up.  My therapist has me tackling things, I just don't feel ready to address.  Is that avoidance or knowing what I'm able to do right now?  She's the professional, right?   I know myself, right?  I have been diagnosed with severe post traumatic stress disorder PTSD.  Apparently, avoidance is one of the main coping mechanisms.  Right now it is just so much easier to tackle raising my kids, being a wife and doing the next right thing I can do.  It hurts immensely, I want to work on things and I want the peace in my heart and soul that I know is out there for me.  Right now I'm doing the best I can to just be.  I want to pretend my life is only what it is now, not the things that have destroyed my past.  

I have another appointment on Monday.  I am putting it out there that I will do everything in my power to make it!  I'll let you know if I do :)

Follow my blog at Heartbeats Soul Stains

Setting goals!

I have decided to set a goal; to start setting goals!  Ha! How crazy is that?  Or is that really my procrastination rearing its ugly head?  When I talk about goals, I'm not thinking of the normal task type goals or where I want to be in 5 years.  I'm thinking of heart goals.  Things I want to do for myself, my husband, my children and those that are truly close to me.  Like this morning I called a dear friend just to tell her something funny/weird that happened when I dropped my son off at school.  I had been telling myself for weeks to call her, those few minutes or maybe that hour talking to her was amazing.  It was revitalizing!   Those little things, to me, matter more in the end!

Follow my blog Heartbeats Soul Stains 

New to blogging!

Just started blogging, not sure where to begin.

www.heartbeatsSoulstains.com