I got up this morning, that's always a good thing. First thing everyday on my to do list: Get up!
I knew in the back of my head I had something I had to do, go to therapy. I had "missed", "avoided" and just plain "flaked out" on it all of last week. I forced myself to not think about it, I just did what I know I had to do. My thoughts are; the least I can do is go and tell my therapist I was no longer able to attend. The pain and agony of these appointments are too much for me. I know she, like any good professional, would tell me it takes hard work and it will get worse before it gets better. I head out the door half-hearted.
As part of my PTSD therapy I have significant homework assignments. Not the usual write about it, journal or be good to myself kind of stuff. I have homework that rocks me to my core. As I read these assignments I cry in pain because I know I am being told to confront the very things I have avoided for several years. The night of October 19th, the night that took 2 of the most important people in my life, the night that stole what little bit of sanity my children and I had left. The most horrific night of my life, sounds I can't go a day or sometimes hours without hearing explode in my head. The night my parents were murdered.
I went to my appointment today! Yes, that is improvement from last week. Did I do everything needed for this appointment, NO! Half the battle won!
Why is this so hard? Why is it still so hard to even believe it's even happened? It's been several years. It sometimes feels as if it just happened or is happening at the very moment all over again. The only time I have peace is when I forget, when I pretend, when I avoid.
As I park my car, I want to scream "Why am I here? Why have these things happened? I shouldn't have to come here!" I keep my face straight as always, doing what I do best; I walk in to the building. The receptionist asks me how I'm doing. Without even blinking I look at her with a smile and I say "I'm great. How are you".
I accomplished a lot today. I went where I didn't want to go, but exactly where I needed to be. I tell my kids all the time, It's the things you don't want to do or say you can't do that are the most important things to conquer. Took a bit of my own babble and made it through.
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Debbie Tom
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