I got up this morning, that's always a good thing.  First thing everyday on my to do list:  Get up!

I knew in the back of my head I had something I had to do, go to therapy.  I had "missed", "avoided" and just plain "flaked out" on it all of last week.  I forced myself to not think about it, I just did what I know I had to do.  My thoughts are; the least I can do is go and tell my therapist I was no longer able to attend.  The pain and agony of these appointments are too much for me.  I know she, like any good professional, would tell me it takes hard work and it will get worse before it gets better.  I head out the door half-hearted.

As part of my PTSD therapy I have significant homework assignments.  Not the usual write about it, journal or be good to myself kind of stuff.  I have homework that rocks me to my core.  As I read these assignments I cry in pain because I know I am being told to confront the very things I have avoided for several years.  The night of October 19th, the night that took 2 of the most important people in my life, the night that stole what little bit of sanity my children and I had left.  The most horrific night of my life, sounds I can't go a day or sometimes hours without hearing explode in my head.  The night my parents were murdered.

I went to my appointment today!  Yes, that is improvement from last week.  Did I do everything needed for this appointment, NO!  Half the battle won!

Why is this so hard?  Why is it still so hard to even believe it's even happened?  It's been several years.  It sometimes feels as if it just happened or is happening at the very moment all over again.  The only time I have peace is when I forget, when I pretend, when I avoid.

As I park my car, I want to scream "Why am I here? Why have these things happened? I shouldn't have to come here!"  I keep my face straight as always, doing what I do best; I walk in to the building.  The receptionist asks me how I'm doing.  Without even blinking I look at her with a smile and I say "I'm great.  How are you".

I accomplished a lot today.  I went where I didn't want to go, but exactly where I needed to be.  I tell my kids all the time, It's the things you don't want to do or say you can't do that are the most important things to conquer.  Took a bit of my own babble and made it through.

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Debbie Tom

As Sunday comes to an end, I sit here worried about facing my therapy tomorrow.  I hate walking out of the appointment with my heart heavy, a huge load on my shoulders and this thumping headache.  I am telling myself I will go, I know my husband and family want me to face these demons.  If anything, I will try to conquer these little hills for them, at first.  That way I'm getting in there, I'm doing the next right things and eventually I will be going for me.  I know that's the theory of the fake it 'til you make it.  You get in there do what you need to do regardless of how you feel about it and then eventually you're doing it for yourself and all the right reasons.

My son Derek (#5 child) got hurt Friday at school.  He hit his head while running, he came home dizzy and vomiting.  I immediately rushed him the to emergency room.  As a nurse, I know he will be okay because I'm acting fast, if he does have any sort of bleed to his brain they can minimize the damage.  The mother in me, the woman who has been through so much horrific sudden deaths was driving scared to death my son was going to have long-term effects or worse die.  This is not reasonable to keep having this humongous fear that anyone I know can die suddenly.  I live with this constantly.  I see an ambulance going on a road a mile from my kid's school, I call the school to make sure my children are safe.  If don't get a fast reply text from my husband I panic and worry something catastrophic has happened.  I know I need to come to grips with my fears and have faith again and surrender all my doubts.  This will come with time, my first next step must be to follow through with my therapy.

My son was diagnosed with a moderate concussion.  He's doing okay and already wanting to play outside.  Next 2 weeks will consist of trying to keep an active 10-year-old in the house and allow no physical activities...... yikes!

Wish me luck that I will walk through my therapists door tomorrow!

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Avoidance!

Anyone that knows me thinks I'm pretty happy-go-lucky, just another busy mom.  Those that truly know me; which is just a few people, realize I use avoidance to cope and get through everyday things.  

Case in point, today I was supposed to go to therapy.  Yes, I'm in therapy for the events I have yet to share on this blog.  I didn't go, didn't call, just didn't show up.  My therapist has me tackling things, I just don't feel ready to address.  Is that avoidance or knowing what I'm able to do right now?  She's the professional, right?   I know myself, right?  I have been diagnosed with severe post traumatic stress disorder PTSD.  Apparently, avoidance is one of the main coping mechanisms.  Right now it is just so much easier to tackle raising my kids, being a wife and doing the next right thing I can do.  It hurts immensely, I want to work on things and I want the peace in my heart and soul that I know is out there for me.  Right now I'm doing the best I can to just be.  I want to pretend my life is only what it is now, not the things that have destroyed my past.  

I have another appointment on Monday.  I am putting it out there that I will do everything in my power to make it!  I'll let you know if I do :)

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Setting goals!

I have decided to set a goal; to start setting goals!  Ha! How crazy is that?  Or is that really my procrastination rearing its ugly head?  When I talk about goals, I'm not thinking of the normal task type goals or where I want to be in 5 years.  I'm thinking of heart goals.  Things I want to do for myself, my husband, my children and those that are truly close to me.  Like this morning I called a dear friend just to tell her something funny/weird that happened when I dropped my son off at school.  I had been telling myself for weeks to call her, those few minutes or maybe that hour talking to her was amazing.  It was revitalizing!   Those little things, to me, matter more in the end!

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